I learnt fuck all of importance in any classroom I've ever been in, (Except maybe the time my friend Emma taught me how to 'Doctor' a broken ciggarette). Sure, I know Hitler was Evil, And if I ever do see that motherfucker, I will tell a policeman, (No snitch). I'm sure of at least five things in the Periodic Table. I know Water is H2O, For example. HOWEVER, I didn't know, Up until about 2 years ago, (I'm 24), What Psuedo, Paradox or Oxymoron actually meant. The first time I went to write a cheque I was like a gay man navigating a throbbing, wet gash. I just stared at it, Shaking, Thinking 'Who can I get to sort this fucking thing out for me?'.
If someone, (I wish a motherfucker WOULD), Let me rule a school for a year, There are a fair few classes I would implement;
- Red Flags Class.
Quite a simple lesson really. How to pick up the red flags people throw at you and use them red flags to determine that certain people are no-good little peices of shit. Yes, You do pick up these things eventually, (In your mid-30s after 3 kids and a slight alcohol problem), I just think it may be more beneficial to learn it sooner rather than later. More beneficial than painting peppers in Art class.
- How To Handle A Job Interview.
Now, Some of you, Who went to schools where the teachers/govoners cared, Might have actually been taught a mini-class of this. I beleive, However, That we need to have this shit EMBEDDED in us like our times tables. I would have loved to have known how to answer that godforsaken question, "What do you feel you could offer this company?", Way before I left school. I believe the first time I got asked this question I replied, " A bit of a revelutionary vibe, really.". I got the job, So maybe in hindsight I said the right thing? It was Sainsburys, Though.
- Dictionary Class.
How come most of us go to school and come out still not knowing every word in the English language?! Madness. Why even attempt to teach us French or Spanish or German? At sixteen I used 2 describing words; Mint and Mingin'. My English teacher knew this and accepted it.
- DARWINISM!!!!!!!
Like, Are you fucking kidding me? These teachers want to spend 11 years teaching us about all kinds of religions and they spend one lesson teaching us the "Theory" of Darwinism. The evidental, (Is evidental even a word? It should be. It sounds right). key to all our questions as to 'Why are we here?' Gets just one lesson. I would have liked to have known about the nerve in the Girafe that if designed by God would be 2cm long, But because of the slow evolution process it is metres long, For example, Before I wasted my time praying to god to save my arse when my dad caught me hiding whiskey I had stolen from him in my drawers inside a leg of some tracksuit bottoms.
- Realistic 'Drugs Are Bad, Mmkay?' Speeches.
Sure, Heroin will kill you. Lets try telling these little cunts about the 20 to 40 years of addiction before it kills them. The times the drug will make them rob their own mothers time and time again. The times the drug will make them sleep with 5 men in 2 hours just to supply them in drugs, (Even if, In some cases, You're a straight male).
Extasy does not kill you. Fact. The reactions to Extasy will kill you. Extasy, If taken correctly, Is quite an awakening. It taught me, Personally, That hate is just a feeling, it isn't actually a real barrier. I can work alongside, live alongside, People without letting a little hate ruin everything. I may hate one thing about them, or twenty, But there's always going to be something about them I can agree with. You just need to stop concentrating on the hate. I digress.
So yeah, I was going to continue but I've lost the momentum now.
Fuck off.
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